Hayley Siano Reflects on Childhood and Creativity in “Hold It Against Me”
Growing up in a small, conservative community, Hayley Siano is one of those big-fish-little-pond stories, where they have broken out of that cloister and undertaken an ongoing journey of growth and self-discovery of which their music acts as both the journal detailing the process and then self-healing meditation upon which their identity can flourish. Now based in New York, Hayley Siano identifies with she/they pronouns, celebrating their queerness with a spirit of authenticity and openness.
In her new single, “Hold It Against Me,” Hayley reflects on her childhood by revisiting old footage, sparking a wave of nostalgia and self-acceptance. The song is a heartfelt acknowledgment of the joy and innocence of youth, while also confronting the complexities of growing up. It’s a celebration of resilience, urging listeners to embrace their imperfections.
Check out our exclusive interview with Hayley for an in-depth look at her creative process. Discover how her childhood memories shaped “Hold It Against Me,” the transformative moments during songwriting, and the influence of her upbringing on her art.
How did revisiting your childhood footage influence your songwriting process for "Hold It Against Me"?
When I got all of my old footage digitized, it took me forever to get through it. Partially because there was just so much content, and partially because there were some extremely cringy moments. My sister and I spent hours choking from laughter at the random and bizarre memories that my family chose to capture. But looking through it made me realize that I am still that same kid, mischievous and silly and fun. I wrote Hold It Against Me with both my early 20s self and my 4-year-old self in mind. So much of my life has been tinged with shame, feeling like I was reckless or that I gave too much of myself to people who didn't deserve it. Watching that footage brought back a feeling of unapologeticness and innocence that I want to hold onto.
Can you elaborate on the specific moments or emotions that resonated with you and sparked the song?
A few moments come to mind. Being in the car with an ex-boyfriend and yelling at each other for hours, late into the night. Rage. Running around the streets of the city at 21 feeling absolutely invincible. Joy. The dog days of summer, when anything is possible and you feel your most beautiful. The need to be free. Longing. The desire to belong and be loved.
What do you hope listeners take away from the line about being lovable despite flaws? Why is this message important to you?
"Flaws" are so subjective - I think that's what I want people to take away from this song. I used to deem so many attributes of mine as flaws, when really they are just part of the complicated fabric of my life's tapestry. Growing up is flawed, you're going to "flaw" every time you try something new. Fucking up doesn't make you unlovable. Struggling with mental illness doesn't make you unlovable. Getting in a fight doesn't make you unlovable. There is always more time for redemption, for learning, for apologizing if you need to.
You described the song as a "Leo anthem." What qualities or characteristics of the Leo zodiac sign do you feel are reflected in the song?
Famously, I am a Leo. One of my friends actually described the song as a Leo anthem, and it immediately felt so right. Leos are magical in my humble opinion, but of course, we have some not-so-desirable traits as well. I think the Leo in Hold It comes out in the form of brutal honesty, a bit of drama, and a touch of arrogance. It exudes the confidence that most Leos have, knowing that they bring something special into the room, and I aim to celebrate that sparkle. Leos like it when you tell them they’re pretty, duh. Plus, it just feels like summer to me.
Can you describe a moment during the songwriting process for "Hold It Against Me" that felt particularly transformative for you?
Well musically I tried something new where I knew I was writing the song in the key of G, but I decided to wait until the chorus to play the tonic chord. It results in this really satisfying feeling once the chorus hits, and it’s so simple but effective. And lyrically, there’s a line in the bridge that says “I know I’m right, I can’t bear to be wrong” - that just felt like it got to the heart of who I am in a stunningly quick way.
How did growing up queer in a conservative community influence your music and your songwriting process?
I spent a lot of my time growing up denying my sexuality and living a sort of double life, always afraid of being found out by my community for being queer and by my peers outside the community for being in this insular religious group. There was a lot of fear and secrecy. Because of the lack of true honesty in those early years, it's really important for me to be fully authentic now. I find that easiest to do with my music. The freedom I experienced when I left that conservative community was so exhilarating and expansive, but it also came with anger and hurt. I grieved the childhood I could have had, had I not been subjected to such high control and close-mindedness. I grieved the people I lost along the way. I still grieve for the people who will never get out. So my songwriting process channels a lot of that anger while also celebrating the fullness of my big gay life now. I can reclaim my autonomy through my music.
You mentioned the song being an ode to your younger self. What specific advice or encouragement would you give to your younger self based on your experiences?
You're going to come out, you're going to leave the group, and I know it sounds impossible, but your family is going to leave too. Just be patient. (P.S. You were right about everything.) You're going to find queer community. Be kind to the gay kids in high school, even though you're scared they'll know you're one of them. Oh, also babe you have OCD, you need to stop going to talk therapy and do some ERP. A lot of times there is no right decision, you just need to make a decision. Keep making music and don't be afraid to reach out to people to collaborate with. Write more. Also, go to school for music production instead of musical theater.
In what ways did collaborating with your bandmates shape the final sound and emotional depth of this track?
I always write my songs on piano, so getting to hear them with a full band is such a fulfilling and amazing feeling. I trust and respect the musicians I worked with so deeply, the song would simply not be what it is without them. Elena (who is singing harmonies) has been my best friend for 14 years and coincidentally has one of the best voices I've ever heard. She was taking photos in the studio when I was recording, so I convinced her to sing harmonies that Joe (on guitar and harmonies) wrote that day. Joe introduced me to David, who you hear on violin - the violin in this song is my favorite thing, every time I hear it I fall in love. It's just so wistful and uplifting. Then Julian added drums and bass, which tie it all together. Working with them and my producer Sully helped give the song more folksy/Americana vibes, which feels just right. What’s up next for Hayley Siano?
The next single "Stranger" off my four-song EP "A Little Meaning" is coming out October 18th, and the full EP is out November 1st!